Wednesday, January 27, 2010

He would be 18 this year.

He only made it to a half inch long, he was developing fingers, but was a week away from growing his toes. I don't even know if he was a "he" but from the start I thought of him as a boy.

I was 22. Married for three years already to my "starter husband". Trying very hard to NOT get pregnant. When I took the test I cried, and not happy tears. I didn't want kids. I can't handle kids. This was not what I wanted. My ex wanted kids even less than I did at that point and tried to be supportive but it was clear he was upset... angry even. Not at me, just at the situation. I made my doctor's appointment and went in to get it confirmed and they had to run the test several times. I'd taken three home tests hoping the first was a false positive but they all came back the same. Then the doctor came in and said I was not pregnant.

Two days later I was curled up in a ball in intense pain, hemorrhaging and vomiting.

I knew when I lost him. I saw him, tiny as he was. I didn't cry. In fact I felt relieved.

And for almost 10 years I just never thought about it. And then one day I woke up in tears, overcome with grief and sorrow and massive amounts of gut wrenching guilt. My sister in law lost a baby to SIDS, which is so far beyond what I went through... but she was the only person I could think of who would understand. So I called and we talked and I cried. A lot.

I don't think of him often. But every now and then he pops into my mind, usually around some major life milestone... Like when he would have been getting his driver's license. And like now, when he would have been turning 18. I'd be the mom of an adult.

I don't feel guilty anymore. But I do have moments of intense sadness. I know it was not meant to be and it was for the best but I still grieve for him. if I'd had him I wouldn't have Tiff, and quite frankly she is pretty damn awesome, even though I know he would have been awesome too.... but I was more ready when she came along... we TRIED to have her. But some times I still feel sad wondering "what if?"

5 comments:

  1. God Bless those babies that we didn't have....tears

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  2. It does not matter how long you carried him or how you gave birth. He was a baby, your baby, and you mourn his lost life.

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  4. I know where you're coming from. It's hard to lose a baby, but you need to be thankful for the ones that survived. Although I should have 6 children and my heart aches for every single one of them, I'm so very very thankful for the 2 I was allowed to keep with me.

    (((hugs)))

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