Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Nerd-rant: Dear fan artists of the movie The Hobbit....

*deep cleansing breath*

Guys, we need to talk.

I love fan art.... good fan art anyway. So I thought the other day I would like to find some good fan art of my favourite Hobbit and my favourites of his Dwarven buddies to use as a background on my PC. After shuddering and wishing I had eye and mind bleach and repeating to myself "turn safe search back on, turn safe search BACK ON!" I found myself dwelling on several issues I had been exposed to during this search.....

1. I can tell that some of you have only seen the movie and not read the book, and that you can't see much past the fact that some of the Dwarves are OMGHAWT!!!! For the love of little green apples and all that is hairy.... do some research on the characters before you draw your dirty (or otherwise) pictures of them!!! Thorin, Fili and Kili and indeed quite adorable, I'll give you that much. But if you had read the book or done any research you would know something important about them that makes the idea of them all making out about a thousand times more gross than it would be normally, and it has nothing to do with all of them being dudes and everything to do with.... well, read the book, or just google their names and read a wiki for crying out loud. *shudder* I'm pretty sure that sort of thing is illegal on most of the planet, though I could be wrong. If not illegal at a minimum a serious taboo. Blech.

2. Dwarves are short. And thick. I love pretty anime style art as much as the next nerdy fangirl, but if you are drawing the above mentioned "hot Dwarves" to look like they are 6'4" and 165lbs, those aren't Dwarves!!!! Everything about Dwarves, except their hair, is short. Everything about Dwarves, especially their hair, is thick. Tall pale lanky Kili and Fili?? hey, I am ALLLL about the tall pale lanky. Tall pale lanky is my favourite thing ever. I married "Tall, Pale, Lanky" because.... *whistful sigh* i am all about the tall, pale, lanky. But Dwarves are not tall pale lanky. Your art is lovely, but those aren't Dwarves.

3. Dwarves are hairy. Seriously, take your eyes off the hot ones long enough to get a look at all of them. They are hairy enough that several of them braid their EYEBROWS. I fully support your right to draw Thorin with his shirt off if you realllly have to do so. But.... he is gonna be hairy. He isn't going to grow 55 pounds of hair on his face and head and have not one whit of chest hair. In fact, and I know this may be bothersome to you, since it isn't very sexy to think about but.... I am almost positive they would also have a lot of back hair. I'm sorry, but it is true. Just look at them! In fact, if you read up on the race you will discover that their women grow beards because the entire race is JUST THAT HAIRY.

4. It's "Dwarves". It is the name of the fantasy race of people in this story. Not dwarf, or dwarfs. Dwarves. Capitol 'D' and there is a 'v' in there. In some editions of the books it was changed to the "f" spelling, but as Tolkien wrote it.... Dwarve, Dwarves, Dwarven.

I think I am done now. Nerd-rant over.

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