Sunday, February 14, 2010

teenager/parent drama...

I'm too frazzled right now to type this out again, so here are my two posts from Global Family Room about it (slightly edited to remove some TMI stuff and remove some of my shocking and questionable language, lol):

8:30 am
Tiff ran away from her dad's. Walked the two miles to our house at 1 am last night using the light from her cell phone as a flashlight because she was out of minutes to call us (probably good thing because tsu and i were WASTED on cheap wine and driving even just two miles to pick her up would have been a bad idea). She had been in a tizzy when she left because i told her she could not come home saturday night from his house, so she was just a bucket of attitude waiting to explode. Tsu and I planned to spend most of today *otherwise engaged*, guess it is a good thing we did our valentine's dinner friday and *had some quality time* today, lol, otherwise I might be REALLY pissed.

I asked her why and she said that a) he ripped in to her over the nose ring. It seems her step mom knew and had told everyone EXCEPT her dad. Step mom had found out from her sister who saw it when she was snooping around to see what Tiff's cousin was doing on line. So Tiff thought he already knew but susan had not told him (just EVERYONE else) so it was a bit of a shock. *blahblahblah* and 2) when she got there all of the stuff she had up on the one corner of her room that is still hers (because last Halloween they shoved all her stuff in to the corner and moved her baby sister in to her room) was pulled down off the walls and left piled on her bed.

So at 1:30 am or so i got to call him and tell him that our daughter had just shown up at our house, she was fine, and she said she had left him a note on her bed. She has NOT really told me what the note said, just that it said she was coming over here and "some other stuff". I said, "You mean something like, 'You obviously don't really want me over here, so *bite me*?'" and she said "Something like that." *sigh*

When i called he went off about how she needs to have some gratitude and realize she has it pretty good. he kept asking me what was going on with her and i kept telling him i don't know. She is a teenager. I went through it too. It is hard on kids having two homes, for one thing, and teens go stupid/crazy from 13 to 18 anyway. He kind of blasted me for "getting her nose pierced" and i had to remind him that the piercing was already almost entirely healed before i even knew about it. *more blahblahblah, lol*

Anyway, the next few days could be interesting. I am at a complete loss as to how to handle this. This is one thing she does NOT talk to me much about, the actual reasons WHY she is so full of anger and disdain for her dad. I mean, I have worked REALLY hard trying to keep her relationship good with him so it is clearly not anything from over here. All she will say is that he is *annoying and doesn't understand her* and that her siblings drive her nuts. *blah blah blah* Aside from telling me basic facts about things like when they moved her sister in to her room and such she doesn't go in to how she actually FEELS about that. But i suspect that is part of it. It's like someone over there has been slowly pushing her out the back door for the last several years anyway. i suspect that may be a big part of this but she is really closed mouthed about it.

Well, I needed to vent so I called my MIL.

She said that she just had a feeling that part of this with the crazy hair and nose ring and wild makeup was that Tiff is desperate to know that she is loved for who she is, and not what she is like on the outside, or what other people want her to be. So some of her outlandishness may be a test, to see who really loves her unconditionally. I had not thought of that aspect of it, but had this gut feeling she had a point.

So Tiff got up and asked if she could go to Jacob's (her boyfriend's) and I said, "Um, no. We kind of have some issues that we are going to need to deal with here." and she was like, "I left him a NOTE. What more is there to talk about?"

*rolls eyes* kids. I swear.

Anyway, we talked and she said the main thing was that every time she goes back over there more of her stuff is crammed into a corner and she feels like she is being shoved out anyway. Then I told her about my conversation with Karen and she got seriously teary eyed and said, "I never thought about it that way but... *sniffle* You know, you may be right. I think you are right. I never thought about it but... *blink blink blink back tears* I think you may be right."

She said she explain in her note to her dad about the feeling like she was being shoved out because every time she went back over more of her space had been taken away. She also said she just doesn't want to go back over there. Ever.

Really not sure how to handle that. She said she can see her brothers and sister at Oomama's and Papa's house. She still wants to go over there.

My stomach is killing me, I'm so worried. But to be honest, she seems completely at peace with this and relieved that it has all finally hit the fan. It would be a lot harder if she were upset. On the other hand it bothers me that the idea of cutting her dad out of her life doesn't seem to bother her at all. And that there is nothing I can do to change that. I mean if everything I have done so far to encourage a good relationship isn't enough it is out of my hands, and I hate that feeling.

Someone please remind me why ANYONE actually WANTS to be a parent? this *poo* is HARD!


  1. I understand her! I do! My "split family" sucked to the point where I quit seeing my father at all at about her age, until I was 25 ish. Unfortunately she doesn't know me from adam so I can't talk to her and she take me seriously or I would.

    Just know you can't force her-- there is a reason your EX is an EX and I'd bet she's understanding that too. There are things that humans can handle in life to be part of a relationship - any relationship. There are other things that we can not, will not deal with - deal breakers. Respect is one of them. If she has the impression that she is being "shoved to a corner" or being feeling less then wanted then her siblings there, she's going to want to do things to get his attention and respect.

    If he can not respect her feelings or at least listen to her without blowing a gasket then she's not going to respect him - thus her behavior will become worse and worse where he is concerned. Problem is you can not fix this. Only he can. You get to live with the upset teenager who does not know why she feels this way, just that she does and that she does not like it.

    Sorry I don't have the answers, but I can tell you I was once her! Feel free to call me anytime if you need someone who completely understands what it's like to be your daughter.

  2. I don't have the answers either but you can't imagine how much I appreciate the support. The thing is, I went through it, too. In fact I think in some ways we bonded over our struggles because so much of the same things were going on in my life. So Tiff knows I know where she is coming from which in some ways helps, i think, but in some ways it makes it so much harder for ME. I never ever wanted this for her.

    SHE seems to be handling it ok, but I am a wreck. There have been more developments since I posted this that I don't feel comfortable going in to here, but I think eventually it is going to hit her and she just might crash.